I'm still hurt, angry, and basically distant. I don't even know what to do at this point. I'm doing everything in my power to maintain a positive disposition but i'm dying inside. A part of me longs for death, a release from this emotional hell. I feel sick to my stomach and I just want to crawl into a hole. This is not what I signed up for. Or is it? I know relationships are hard. More importantly, I know relationships such as this are not truly meant for human beings. Monogamy is not an innate trait we're born with, it's merely a learned communal behavior. But still, I hold true to my word and the vows I took are, to me, just that. So what about tomorrow? Must I feel like this another day? I feel so disconnected from the one most near and dear to my heart as well as the one second most near and dear to my heart. I suffer because of my wife. My wife suffers because I suffer. And our daughter suffers because she is the cause and victim of both her parents suffering inadvertently. This is not right. I don't know if I can take another day of this. My wife says she feels better now that we've talked things over but for how long? And personally, I do not. She wants to make love but I'm just not in the mood. I find myself pushing my daughter away when I know all she wants is her Daddy. And yet, she too pushes me away to avoid her mothers tension and pressure of suspicion. I guess I won't know what tomorrow brings until tomorrow comes so to sleep I must go. First though, I think I shall go to my sleeping daughter and apologize to her and hope that, either in her subconscious or waking conscious, she hears me.
Friday, April 27, 2012
What about tomorrow?
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forlorn
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